


B'nai Mitzvahstuck

by demonSeaweedofDerp



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bar Mitzvah/Bat Mitzvah, Drama Llama, F/F, F/M, Jewishness, M/M, Middle School
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-06
Updated: 2012-11-17
Packaged: 2017-11-18 03:10:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/556231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonSeaweedofDerp/pseuds/demonSeaweedofDerp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I got bored during math so I created a Homestuck AU where John and Jade are Jewish twins preparing for their B’nai Mitzvah and its filled with middle school drama cause everyone is in 7th grade and John doesn’t feel like studying his Hebrew and Doc Scratch is a horrible and unhelpful Rabbi and I really need so stop dragging my job into things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When am I done again?

6 months

a young 12-year-old sits up in his bed as he just woke up. What is his name? ==>

your name is JOHN EGBERT and it is time for you to get up, get dressed, and go to Sunday School, or Shool for that matter. Its not something you enjoy doing but it is something you have to do. You still have a lot to do before you can stop going. You haven’t even been BAR MITZVAHED yet. That won’t be for another 6 MONTHS. You have the basic prayers memorized but you are still struggling with your torah portion. Luckily you won't have to do it alone. Your twin sister will have her BAT MITZVAH at the same time you do, so you won’t have to put in so much work. 

Get up and open your door ==>

Its you job in the mornings to wake up your sister, so you figure now would be a good time to do so. 

Get trampled by family dog ==>

The second you open the door your family’s dog, Bec runs straight into your room and tackles you. He starts licking your face with glee.

Dialoglog  
John: Good morning to you too Bec.  
Jake: Oh Bugger.

Get greeted by older brother ==>

Your older brother Jake enters your room as he tries to calm Bec. Jake is 16 and he has already finished his Jewish journey, but unlike you he wasn’t as egger to finish it. His Bar Mitzvah was fun and you remember being very tired. 9 year olds need there sleep you know.

Dialoglog  
Jake: good morning! I do apologize if Bec as too rowdy this morning.  
John: it’s ok. He just misses us when we go to sleep is all.  
Jake: did he hurt you?  
John: naw I’m all good.  
Jake: Alright then. I say, if Jade awake yet?  
John: no I was just about to go wake her up.  
Jake: well then off to it!

Finally wake up your sister ==>

Jake calms Bec down so you can finally get off the damn floor and wake your sister up. You leave your room and enter the hallway. Her room is right across from yours and Jakes is next to yours. Your father’s room is at the end of the hall. Your Nanna and Poppop are also living with you but their room is downstairs. You open the door to your sister’s room and walk over to her bed. Her alarm is going off but that always fails to wake her. You poke her.

Dialoglog  
John: Jade.  
Jade: mmmmm  
John: Wake up.  
Jade: wwwuuu?  
John: seriously it Sunday, you know what that means.  
Jade: 5 moooorrre minnnnnn  
John: no Jade.  
Jade: fiiiiiiiiinnnnnne

Be Jade ==>

Your name is JADE EGBERT and you are really tired. But you really love Sunday school. John, not so much. You love learning the language of HEBREW and you are supper excited for your upcoming BAT MITZVAH. But that is in 6 months. Along with your brothers. Your date is April 13th. Its so close yet so far off.

Shoo brother out of your room ==>

Dialoglog  
Jade: fine now im up. But you gotta leave.  
John: wait what?  
Jade: get out john I gotta get dressed!  
John: wha-  
Jade: get the fuck out!

Slam door==>

God he can be so clingy sometimes.

John: be confused ==>

Naw she’s normally like that in the mornings. The girl loves her sleep what can you say. Maybe next time you should try making Jake wake her up.

Dialoglog  
John: HEY JAKE!  
Jake: yes john?  
John: who’s driving us to temple this morning?  
Jake: I believe dad is.  
John: great. Now he’s gonna make a bunch of pancakes even though all I want is a bagel.  
Jake: Well golly john! you could ask him if you could you could eat at temple.  
John: Bluuuuuuuuh youre never helpful!

Slam Door ==>

God this sucks! You know you were unnecessarily harsh on your brother but you can’t help it. he’s too nice. He really needs to grow a pair. You have a feeling this is going to be a long process.


	2. Gossip is a Teenage Girl Sport

6 months

Your name is JONH EGBERT and now it’s a Monday. God do you hate Mondays. Why? Because they are Mondays. School is on Mondays. God you do get to see your friends at school, but at the same time, 7th grade is pretty awful. Why did nobody tell you it was so hard. And the added relationship drama doesn’t help. You keep having to hear about Kyle’s Drama with Tara and Vicky’s drama with Travis. I mean, they are your bros and all but you have your own crush to worry about.

Dialoglog  
Sol: hey egbert!

Greet Experienced Friend ==>

Who Sol? Well yeah, he already had his Bar Mitzvah but you would hardly call him experienced. Ok that’s a lie. He has way more experience with life. He’s already had a girlfriend, but they broke up two months ago. That’s not the point.

Dialoglog  
Sol: ii2 2cratch 2tiill awful  
John: yeah yeah  
Sol: how2 2unday 3chool  
John: stop bragging about the fact you don’t have to go anymore  
Sol: ii’m a free man egbert. What can ii 2ay  
John: whatever man. Hey you still coming over Friday for movie night?  
Sol: duh! Ii’ll make 2ure kyle doe2nt briing any of hii2 2hiity romcom2  
John: thanks  
Dave: But we sure as hell aren’t watching con air again!

Greet best bro ==>

That is Dave Lalonde. He’s been your best friend since kindergarten. You to do everything together. He’s really cool. but he thinks your taste in movies suck

Dialoglog  
John: come on con air is great!  
Dave: your totally gonna hate that movie by the time you are 15  
John: no I won’t!  
Dave: trust me you will  
Sol: hey don’t we have cla22  
John: oh yeah

Be the other kid who’s waiting to be Bat Mitzvahed ==>

You are now KAYANA MARYAM. Wait no you aren’t. not yet anyway

Be the girl we already know ==>

You are now JADE EGBERT. And you though it would be a good idea to talk to your friends about the earth science homework. They are all pretty useless at that. Besides, some people are trying to discuss future party matters with you, and by some people you mean Rose and Kayana.

Dialoglog  
Rose: Have you even thought about a party theme?  
Jade: John wants it to be ghost busters but I really don’t like that idea.  
Kayana: I Was Considering A Vampire Theme For My Party  
Jade: vampires are really cool!  
Kayana: My Older Sister Perry Advised Me To Go A Slightly Less Obscure Route Though  
Rose: And by less obscure you mean fashion  
Kayana: That Is Correct  
Jade: wow Kayana, that’s a really cool idea too!  
Kayana: Does That Help You Any  
Jade: No not really, John and I have to agree on one.

Now you can be Kayana ==>

You are now KAYANA MARYAM. For real this time. Although the story doesn’t revolve around you, you too are waited to be Bat Mitzvahed. Only your date is December 6th. All your preparations are finished for the most part and all that is left to do is, well, wait. Besides gossiping is way more fun.

Gossip ==>

You have some juicy details on a possible love triangle that you just have to spill. Kyle thinks he’s the king of relations but since you are a professional mediator, you have lots of knowledge on the subject as well.

Dialoglog  
Kayana: Off The Subject Of Coming Of Age Now I Have Details Of A Possible Love Triangle In The Making  
Rose: Oh god, why do we need to hear this?  
Jade: Rose! I want to hear this! Spill!  
Kayana: Ok So You Know How Sol And Fiona Broke Up  
Jade: Yeah  
Kayana: Well I Hear That She Still Has Feelings For Him  
Jade: Ooh!  
Rose: Goddammit!  
Jade: Rose hush! Continue.  
Kayana: But I Also Hear Aria Has A Crush On Sol  
Jade: Ooh drama llama!

Notice love of your life walking towards table ==>

Vicky Serket is the most beautiful girl you know. Even though she is a huge bitch. You want to marry her some day. Or at least your 13-year-old mind thinks you do.

Dialoglog  
Jade: Hello Vicky  
Vicky: heeeeeeeey! Watcha losers talking a8out  
Rose: These two happen to be gossiping. I have nothing to contribute.  
Jade: Love triangles!  
Vicky: oooooooohhhhhhhh whos 8ussiness are you meddling in now fussyfangs?  
Kayana: Not Meddling Just Observing  
Vicky: whatever 

Get flustered ==>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose is having none of your gossiping shit Kayana. She's probably not having any of your relationship shit either.   
> Also: Kayana is not a typo. I have a student named Kayana and I thought it was a cute name for her.


	3. Kyle has Issues

6 months

God you hate it when she calls you that. You start blushing. It irritates you so much.

Just tell her what she wants to know already ==>

Dialoglog  
Kayana: Aria And Fiona Both Have Crushes On Sol  
Vicky: well I knew aria had a thing for 8ee 8oy 8ut Fiona is crawling 8ack to him laaaaaaaame  
Rose: You know, if you aren’t interested in the information we are sharing here, you don’t have to stay.  
Vicky : I know 8ut my only other options are the douche, fish face, or one of the NPCs that are only in the background of this text only fan adventure!!!!!!!!  
Kayana: Dont You Think It’s a Little Too Early To Be Breaking The Fourth Wall  
Vicky: 8luuuuuuuuh!!!!!!!! Youre no fun!!!!!!!!  
Jade: I wonder I john is having more productive conversations in his class

Get up and go find john ==>

Why would you do that? You’re still Kayana and John’s not even your brother. If you want to see what John’s up to again you have to be him.

Be John ==>

You are now JOHN EGBERT, and yeah we are gonna do that every time the POV switches. But its time to chat with some of your other friends. You would be working on your pre-algebra work, but since Mr. Vagabond started going off on one of his “importance of mayors” tangents. So its time to kick back for a bit. Maybe talk to some friends. 

Dialoglog  
Kyle: EGBERT!

Get interrupted in train of thought ==>

Kyle tends to do that. He’s another one of your best bros, but he can be a handful. 

Dialoglog  
John: what?!  
Kyle: HOW SHITTY OF A HUMAN CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE?  
John: What did I do this time?  
Kyle: GODDAMNIT! I JUST REALIZED THAT YOUR PARTY IS GOING TO BE A THE CENTER OF ROMANCE AND DRAMA AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE!  
John: dude. It’s six months away. Why do you care?  
Kyle: THAT’S JUST IT! YOU HAVE TO CANCEL IT!  
John: I’m not gonna cancel my coming of age that is six months away just because your worried about what Tara is going to think of you then. Besides, Jade would flip her shit.  
Kyle: I WASN’T EVEN THINKING ABOUT… FUCK YOU JOHN DON’T BRING HER INTO THIS. TARA, TARA, TARA! I DON’T CARE! SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS!  
John: Kyle, calm down.  
Kyle: YOU CALM DOWN! I REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT-  
Tara: M3 > :? 

Turn around ==>

you turn around to find that THE Tara Pyrope is sitting behind you. Yet again, Kyle is oblivious to who is sitting around him.

Dialoglog  
Kyle: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING?  
Tara: TH3 WHOL3 T1M3 WHY  
Kyle: YOU HAVE TO STOP DOING THAT.  
Tara: DO1NG WH4T 3AV3SDROP1NG  
Kyle: YES!  
Tara: KYL3 TH3 WHOL3 ROOM C4N H34R YOU 3V3N 3R1C 4ND N4T4L14 C4N H34R YOU R1GHT GUYS  
Natalia:33 AC can hear Kycat purrfectly  
Eric: D--> Natalia! Cease talking at once  
Natalia:33 youre no fun Eric.  
Tara: MY PO1NT  
Kyle: FINE YOU MADE YOUR POINT BUT THIS CONVERSATION DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. RIGHT JOHN.  
John: No I don’t mind talking to Tara.  
Kyle: FUCK YOU JOHN. YOU ARE BASICALLY USELESS.  
John: geeeeeeee thanks  
Kyle: AND STOP TALKING TO VICKY! SHE’S RUBBING OFF ON YOU.  
John: No way she’s cool!!!!!!!!  
Tara: 1 4GR33 W1TH KYL3 ON TH1S ON3 SH3S A B1TCH

Attempt to get back to party talk ==>

Dialoglog  
Kyle: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, DO YOU EVEN WANT A PARTY?  
John: yeah kinda.  
Tara: 1 TH1NK P4RT13S 4R3 FUN  
Kyle: NOBODY ASKED YOU TARA.  
Tara: 4WW CH33R UP KYCR4B  
Kyle: NO THAT IS NOT EVEN A LEGITTAMENT NICKNAME FOR ME. STOP PULLING NICKNAMES OUT OF YOUR ASS. BETTER YET, DON’T USE THEM AT ALL. MY NAME IS KYLE VANTAS AND EVEN THOUGH IT’S A SHITTY NAME TO GO ALONG WITH MY EQUALLY SHITTY EXISTANCE, I’D RATHER YOU CALL ME THAT THAN “KYCRAB”.  
John: Wow Kyle. Did your brother keep you up all night with another one of his “social justice” speeches?  
Kyle: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.  
Tara: H3Y 4T L34ST YOUR OLD3R S1BL1NG DO3SNT TRY TO OV3R COMP3NS4TE FOR SOM3TH1NG TH3T DO3SNT 3V3N COUNT 4S 4 D1S4B1L1TY.  
Kyle: WELL I’M MEAN YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT BEING BLIND.  
Tara: TH4T H4S NOTH1NG TO DO W1TH WH4T 1 S41D  
John: guys can we not talk about older siblings  
Natalia:33 did someone say older siblings  
John goddammit

This is getting us nowhere ==>


	4. Mr. Noir's Fourth Period Study Hall

6 months

Maybe it’s about time to do a time skip. Nothing major. Just a couple of hours.

Time skip ==>

It is now time for Mr. Noir’s 4th period study hall. This class conveniently has all of your friends in it. and a couple people you don’t talk to.

Dialoglog  
Mr. Noir: alright class it’s time for role. Then you kids can do whatever the hell you do. Ok, lets see here. Hipster Douche  
Aaron: hey  
Mr. Noir: Lisping nerd.  
Sol: here  
Mr. Noir: Derp twins  
John and Jade: Here!  
Mr. Noir: Other twins  
Rose: We aren’t twins you know. We are 9 months apart.  
Mr. Noir: Look kid, I haven’t cared all the times you’ve told me this before. I’m never gonna care.  
Dave: here  
Mr. Noir: weird cat girl  
Natalia:33 hereMr. Noir: juggalo  
Gavin: HoNk :0)  
Mr. Noir: ok seriously, is his actually high or is that just how he is.  
Kyle: HOW HE IS. ITS FRUSTRATING AS FUCK.  
Mr. Noir: alright then. Fashionable lesbian.  
Kayana:…….  
Vicky: yes shes here!!!!!!!!  
Mr. Noir: ok then. Monotone girl.  
Aria: here  
Mr. Noir: Crippled kid  
Travis: uH,,, ITS ONLY A LEG BRACE,,, ITS NOT PERMANENT  
Mr. Noir: Rich girl who makes too many fish puns  
Fiona: )(E------RE!!!  
Mr. Noir: ok. Someone needs to calm the hell down.  
Aaron: HEY  
Mr. Noir: Blind kid who’s not good at being blind  
Tara: H3R3  
Mr. Noir: Spider bitch.  
Vicky: heeeeeeeere!!!!!!!!  
Mr. Noir: I fucking hate you Serket. Kid who I can actually somewhat tolerate.  
Kyle: HERE.  
Mr. Noir: and finally sweaty horse kid.  
Eric: D--> here sir  
Mr. Noir: alright now go do whatever you assholes do. If you need me I’ll be outside smoking. Don’t need me.

Converse with best gal pal ==>

It would probably be a good a good idea to remind everyone that you are still JOHN EGBERT, and this is the only class you have with your friend Vicky. The two of you met in the 6th grade and have been inseparable since. 

Dialoglog  
Vicky: john can we talk a8out youre party?  
John: GOD NO!  
Vicky: what????????  
John: I’m sorry. I’m just sick of talking about today. I’m mean it’s 6 months away. Why do I have to keep talking about it. I don’t even know all my Hebrew! God I’m done. Im just done. Ok?  
Vicky: calm your tits john. Its ok.  
John: seriously. Don’t ask about it for a while ok.  
Vicky: ok. I respect that.  
Tara: YOU R3SP3CT H1M WOW YOU 4R3 GO1NG SOFT V1CKY  
Vicky: shut up tara!!!!!!!!!  
John: Seriously, why does everyone have a problem with Tara today?  
Vicky: I don’t have a pro8lem with her  
Tara: SHUT UP V1CKY  
Vicky: OMG!!!!!!!!  
Dave: yo egbert! Why don’t you move away from all the estrogen and come sit over here.  
John: Yeah… I think I’m gonna… get out of here

Observe surroundings ==>

You get up and start to move closer to Dave. As you walk towards him, you look around at your other classmates. Tara and Vicky have started to bicker. They used to be best friends, but a LARPing accident that caused Travis to break his leg and Aria to have crippling anxiety, turned their relationship sour. You look and the corner of the room and see Natalia playing with a fortune teller with Eric. You will never understand their friendship. Towards the middle of the room you see Jade and Fiona talking with Aaron listening in. Aaron is convinced he’s going to marry Fiona. You think Fiona has other plans. Then you look to the front of the room and see Rose and Kayana talking to Aria. They are probably talking about fashion. That’s all Kayana talks about at least. Rose likes wizards and dark things. You guess those things are ok. You should try getting into those thing more so the two of you have more to talk about. Finally you make your way to the large group of guys. Kyle, Sol, Travis, Gavin, and Dave are all sitting around a table waiting for you.

Dialoglog  
Travis: yOU CAME UH,,, OVER HERE JUST IN TIME  
Gavin: YeAh bRo  
Travis: i waS uH,,, jusT abouT tO challengE davE tO a slaM poetrY battlE  
Dave: first of all, it’s called free style. Second, no. just no.  
Gavin: wHy ThE mOtHeRfUcK nOt  
Kyle: BECAUSE THE DOUCHE TOOL DOESN’T WANT TO FREE STYLE TODAY.  
Dave: no, it’s because I don’t feel like handing Travis’s ass to him. Again  
Sol: hah niice

Yep. these are your friends.

Join in on the fun ==>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who is interested:  
> I will be posting AU character redesigns and additional backstory on my tumblr  
> http://stay-strong-cap.tumblr.com/tagged/B%27nai-Mitzvahstuck
> 
> If you want. It's there. Ok. Yep.


	5. Boys are stupid and John hates Travis

6 months

Join in on the fun ==>

Who are you kidding, you love these douche bags 

Dialoglog  
John: nice to see you guys too. Maybe we should talk about movie night in Friday.  
Dave: sure why not. First order of business, no 50 First Dates or Con Air.  
Kyle and John: AWWWWW!!  
Sol: quiit your biitchiing you guy2  
Travis: wHY DONT WE UH,,, WATCH A dISNEY MOVIE  
Sol: unle22 you count anythiing iin the marvel franchii2e then no  
Kyle: SINCE WHEN WAS THE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE A PART OF DISNEY?  
Sol: iit2 a re2ent thing  
Travis: i UH,,, DON'T LIKE ACTION MOVIES  
John: nobody cares Travis.  
Travis: fUCK YOU jOHN  
Vicky: NO8ODY CARES TRAVIS!!!!!!!!  
Travis: wHERE DID THAT EVEN COME FROM  
Gavin: HoNk :0)  
Kyle: DO YOU EVEN CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING?  
Gavin: NaW mAn I jUsT gO wItH a FlOw  
Kyle: GODDAMMIT GAVIN.  
Aria: excuse me

Whoa. When did Aria come over here ==>

Aria is normally very quiet and if she does talk it’s normally to Sol and Travis, with the occasional girl who isn’t Vicky. You still aren’t sure what went down during that LARP thing.

Dialoglog  
Aria: may I make a suggestion  
Sol: sure aa  
Kyle: AT THIS POINT I WOULD BE HAPPY WITH ANYTHING.  
Aria: what ab0ut Indiana j0nes  
John: those movies are ok I guess.  
Dave: I’ve never seen those  
Aria: y0u haven’t  
Dave: naw. The only time I watch movies is when im with these assholes. And it normally ends up with John and Kyle fighting over which actors are better, and the rest of us not giving a shit.  
Aria: that actually s0unds like fun  
Sol: iit ii2  
John: hey Aria, not to pry or anything but why are you being so social today?  
Aria: everyb0dy was being s0 nice t0day s0 I th0ught id talk a little bit m0re  
Sol: AA that2 awe2ome  
Aria: thank y0u s0l I’m g0ing t0 g0 n0w  
Sol: ok 2ee you later then  
Aria: but first...

Witness display of affection ==>

And Aria goes in for the hug. She really is a sweet person who means well, even if she can be a tad bit creepy. But Sol doesn’t seem to mind.

Dialoglog  
Sol: thank you aria.

==>

Oh my god he’s freaking smiling.

Dialoglog  
Aria: g00d bye s0l  
Sol: later

==>

Dialoglog  
Dave: hey captor save some babes for the rest of us.  
Sol: guy2 we are ju2t friiend2  
John: yeah why are we just gonna give Sol a hard time about it.  
Kyle: GOD WHO THE FUCK CARES!!!  
Dave: Kyle, you got to be sensitive girls eat that shit up. Your not gonna get anywhere with Tara with that attitude.  
Kyle: FUCK YOU LALONDE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING!  
Dave: it has everything to do with everything.  
Kyle: OH MY GOD NO. WE SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS TALKING ABOUT ALL THIS RELATIONSHIP JUNK. SHOULDN’T WE TALK ABOUT SPORTS OR SOMETHING THAT IS ACTUALLY CLASSIFIDE AS MASCULINE BEFORE SOMEONE COME OVER HERE AND QUESTIONS ALL OF OUR SEXUALLITIES.  
Dave: man fuck sports  
John: Kyle you know I’m not a…  
Kyle: YES JOHN. YOU HAVE MADE IT CLEAR MANY TIMES IN THE PAST. THAT YOU ARE NOT A HOMOSEXUAL. WE FUCKING GET IT.  
Travis: iF YOU UH,,, SAY THAT ANYMORE WE'RE ALL GOING TO QUESTION YOU FURTER  
John: fuck off travis.  
Gavin: MaN cHiLl EgBrO  
Travis: hA hA hA  
John: Travis I swear to god…  
Rose: I hate to be the one to interrupt your empty threat but, John may I talk to you?

Blush like a six year-old girl ==>

Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck. Why does rose always makes you feel weird and blush really hard when she talks to you? There’s just something about her that makes you want to hang out with her and watch movies and show her magic tricks and be happy with her. A lot. 

Dialoglog  
John: oh… uh… hi Rose.  
Dave: where are all these chicks popping out of nowhere coming from?  
Rose: I don’t think I truly count as a chick to you.  
Dave: I mean…  
Rose: Don’t strain yourself.  
Dave: hey  
Rose: Anyway… I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about your up coming Bar Mitzvah.  
John: oh my god if I have to answer another fucking question about the party…  
Rose: Not about the party; about the service.  
John: oh. Well there is not much I can tell you about that. You should go ask Jade. She’s way better at the whole being Jewish thing compared to me.  
Rose: I already asked her some questions. I was hoping you could tell me some things too.  
John: I’m afraid there isn’t anything I can tell you.  
Rose: Oh.  
John: imreallysorryilltellyoueverythingassoonasicanipromise!!!!!!!!  
Rose: It’s ok John. Thank you anyway.  
John: Uh… no problem  
Rose: I’ll see you later John.  
John: bye Rose!  
Dave: so I guess you have the hots for my little sis huh?  
John:… what?

Fuck

==>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo half way through act 1!


End file.
